Catholics don’t know how to talk to each other.  That’s a big

 

problem.  Solving it will go a long way to rebuilding the Church.

 

            We have to start with the basics.  First, we have to know our roles, our stations in life.  Then we have to know the Faith, not what outsiders tell us that it is, but what it actually is.  These important things are essential to forming the right attitudes for entering into any discussion with another Catholic.  But there is more we must consider.

            We have to know and practice the proper demeanor – eye contact, tone of voice, appropriate greetings, and acceptable verbal language.  And we must present ourselves properly by our dress, by our body language, and by any number of small actions.

            Now, we have to be truly Roman Catholic if we are to make all of this effort bear fruit.  As in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16:

“Do not yoke with those who are different; with unbelievers.  For what partnership do righteousness and lawlessness have?  Or, what fellowship does light have with darkness?  What accord has Christ with a liar? Or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement has the temple of God with idols?”

 

We must all ascribe to the Faith, the same Faith as has been handed down for centuries since the time of our Lord.  Those who create dissension and obstacles “in opposition to the teaching that you learned” are to be avoided.  Romans 16:17.  There are those who “wish to pervert the gospel of Christ…let that one be accursed!”  Galatians 1:7-8.  The one who teaches “something different and do…not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the religious teaching is conceited, understanding nothing, and has a morbid disposition for arguments and verbal disputes.  From these come envy, rivalry, insults, evil suspicions, and mutual friction among people with corrupted minds, who are deprived of the truth….” 1 Timothy 6:3-5.  St. Paul clearly says that we are to treat fellow believers a special way:  “For you were called for freedom, brothers.  But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather serve on another through love.  For the whole law ifs fulfilled in one statement, namely, `You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  But if you go on biting and devouring one another beware that you are no consumed by one another”.  Galatians 5:13-15.  And, “So then, while we have the opportunity, let us do good to all, but especially to those who belong to the family of the faith.”  Galatians 6:10. 

 

Part I – Some General Principles

            Let’s begin at the beginning.  We are all parts of a great body – the Mystical body of Christ as Pope Pius XII stated in June, 1943 with the encyclical Mysti Corporis.  “In one body, we have many parts, and all the parts do not have the same function.”  Romans 12:4.  The gifts each one of us are given differ in accordance with the grace given to us which means that some of us are called to different functions.  Romans 12:7-8.  But these differences should not be the causes of disunity or misunderstanding among us.  Remember, if we hate our Catholic brothers, we are murderers and cannot have eternal life.  1 John 3:15.

            The best foundation for how to relate, or talk to, other Catholics is found in Ephesians 6:18-20 in which St. Paul exhorts all of us to pray with supplication at every opportunity to make known the gospel.  And, in 1 Peter 3:8-9:  “All of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble.  Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary, a blessing, because to this you were called, that you might inherit a blessing.”  And let’s not forget this very valuable admonition, one which you will hear spoken of quite a bit from these quarters:  “In whatever you do, remember your last days, and you will never sin.”  Sirach 7:36.  All things – good and evil, life and death – proceed from the Lord.  Sirach 11:14-15.

            Older men should be “temperate, dignified, self controlled” as well as sound in “faith love and endurance.”  Titus 2:2.  Older women should be “reverent in their behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to drink” and they should be “teaching what is good, so that they may train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands”.  Titus 2:3-5.  Young men should also be trained, we assume by older men, who do the training by leading by example “as a model of good deeds in every respect, with integrity in … teaching, dignity, and sound speech.” Titus 2:6-8.  The young men should be trained so as to be able to “control themselves”. Titus 2:6

            All must cultivate a mindset that does “not rebuke an older man, but appeal[s] to him as a father…and older women as mothers….” 1 Timothy 5:1-2.  Younger men should be treated as brothers, and younger women as sisters with complete purity.  1 Timothy 5:1-2.

            There are some even more specific rules we are to consider in forming and keeping our attitudes towards certain people.  Widows are to be honored.  1 Timothy 5:3. 

Presbyters “well deserve double honor, especially those who toil in preaching and teaching”.  1 Timothy 5:17.

            Wives and husbands are a special category for Catholic communication purposes.  Both should be subordinate to each other, but for different reasons.  Ephesians 5:21.  Wives are to love husbands as one is to love the Lord, for the husband is the head of the family as Christ, the Lord, is the head of the Church.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, so husbands should be willing to “hand…himself over for her.”  Ephesians 5:22-30.  Now children must obey their parents and honor their parents.  Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger, but are to bring them up with the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4; Sirach 3:1-16.

            We must care for the weak, taking into account their situation.  Romans 15:1-6.  This includes caring for the poor, particularly not averting our eyes from them, and it means delivering the oppressed from the hand of the oppressor.  Sirach 4:1-10.  We must cultivate a humble mind, not be either proud or stubborn (Sirach 3:17-28), nor esteem ourselves better than our fellows.  Sirach 7:16.

            We must not be intimidated to our downfall (Sirach 4:22) and we must speak wisdom as it comes to us.  Sirach 4:23-24.  “Even to the death fight for truth, and the Lord your God will battle for you” Sirach 4:28.  Discipline from our youth will give us wisdom (Sirach 6:18-31), the wise we should seek out and with them have frequent discourse.  (Sirach 6:32-37), and the traditions of the old men we should accept.  (Sirach 8:9).

 

Part II – Some Specifics

            Let’s get to what some may call the mechanics of interpersonal relationships.  

            “[B]e quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”  James 1:19. For “the tongue is also a fire”.  James 3:6.  Do not answer before hearing, and do not interrupt one in the middle of his speech.  Sirach 11:8.  Do not tell others your faults (Sirach 19:7), nor repeat gossip (Sirach 19:6), nor gloat over, nor repeat, evil reports (Sirach 19:5-6).

Speak the truth to one another.  Ephesians 4:25.  Do not lie.  Sirach 20:23.  We should not talk too much lest we be detested, and we must speak with wisdom which is at the right time.  Sirach 20:6-12.  Speak no foul language.  Ephesians 4:29.  There can be spoken no obscenity nor can there be any “silly or suggestive talk” nor any “immorality or any impurity or greed”.  Ephesians 5:3-4.  What we say should edify the listener.  Ephesians 4:29.  We should not be harmful in our speech.  Sirach 6:1.  Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to one another as Christ is to us.  Ephesians 4:32.  That means that bitterness, fury, anger, shouting and reviling must be eliminated.  Ephesians 4:31. 

We should not dispute about those things that are not our concern.  Sirach 11:9.  And, empty arguments must not be proffered, nor should they be accepted.  Ephesians 5:6-7. (Now, this previous one requires some knowledge and study by us so that we are able to identify false and empty arguments.  And, perhaps, most importantly, we are not to engage in arguments for their own sake but we must always desire to speak that which is edifying.)  However, we can expose the evil done by others.  Ephesians 5:11.  If we have the answer, we should answer our neighbor.  Sirach 5:14.  We should be informed before we speak.  Sirach 18:18.  We should not be surly in speech (Sirach 4:29), and we should not “upbraid before giving”. Sirach 18:17. 

Kind words and graciousness multiplies friends and prompt friendly greetings.  Sirach 6:5.  But be not too ready to trust friends – they must be tested.  Sirach 6:7; 11:29-34.  Do not laugh at a man who is bitter (Sirach 7:11) neither contend with an influential man (Sirach 8:1), nor quarrel with a rich man (Sirach 8:2), nor dispute a man of “railing speech” (Sirach 8:3), nor avoid those who weep but mourn with those who mourn (Sirach 7:34), nor shame a sinner who repents (Sirach 8:5), nor insult an old man (Sirach 8:6), nor rejoice on the death of another (Sirach 8:7).  Confront, or admonish, a friend or neighbor if there is evil that you believe they did.  Sirach 19:5-16.

We must not provoke a quarrel with the quick-tempered for he will destroy one (Sirach 8:16), we cannot counsel with a fool for he can keep nothing to himself (Sirach 8:17), and one must not open our heart to any man.  (Sirach 8:19).  When the proud-full succeed, do not rejoice (Sirach 9:12), do not envy a sinner’s fame (Sirach 8:11), do not discard an old friend (Sirach 8:10),do not mistreat one who faithfully serves (Sirach 7:19-22), chastise your sons and keep your daughters chaste (Sirach 23-24).  One’s countenance reveals much for it tells us whether he has a good heart or is a “laborious schemer”.  Sirach 13:24-25.

As to women, do not be familiar or engage with harlots or strange women.  Also, do not gaze upon the beauty of a woman, especially a married woman.  (Sirach 9: 1-9).

            The rich must be told not to be proud and not to rely on a thing as wealth but rather on God.  1 Timothy 6:17.  The rich should be told to “do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous, ready to share…so as to win the life that is true life.” 1 Timothy 6:19. 

“Do not speak evil of one another” for whoever “speaks evil of one another [i.e., slander] or judges his brother speaks evil of the law and judges the law.”  James 4:11.   “Do not complain about one another”.  James 5:9.   Do not swear by any oath.  James 5:12.  Sinners may be publicly rebuked, for this serves as a warning to others. 1 Timothy 5:20.  Regardless of the good or the evil we do, it will come to light.  1 Timothy 5:21.

The Faith cautions against rash judgment of other Catholics’ thoughts, words and deeds.  Citing to St. Ignatius Loyola’s Spiritual Exercises:

“Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it.  But if he cannot do so let him ask how the other understands it.  And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love.  If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church Section 2488)

 

Now, we have spoken of some general propositions, policies, if you will, in dealing with other Catholics.  But there is more.  In Emily Post’s Etiquette, there are a number of specifics that we should consider and accept.  They are common sense, they go a long ways to building proper relations and they consist of accepted ways of acting in the presence of others in accordance with a principle that properly takes into account human nature and is not anathema to the teachings of the Faith.  “The cardinal principle of etiquette is thoughtfulness.” (Emily Post’s Etiquette, by Elizabeth L. Post (14^th edition, Harper & Row Publishers, 1984), p. 77). Post explains it further, quite well:

 

“This implies a concern for the effect of your actions on those around you.  Attracting attention to yourself, because it is usually objectionable to others, is contrary to that basic principle….Don’t stare at people or bump into them deliberately or point at them.  Whether on the street or in a building, don’t talk at the top of your lungs.  Avoid making personal remarks that may attract attention.  And, finally, never broadcast your private affairs, feelings, or innermost thoughts in public.”  Id.

 

            Let’s talk about dress.  St. Peter told women that “your adornment should not be an external one:  braiding the hair wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes.”  Rather, it should be “the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition.”  1 Peter 3:3-4.  Husbands should show honor to the weaker female sex.  1 Peter 3:7.

            Emily Post has a number of different conventions, or customs, on how people should act towards each other.  All of these are within the spirit of the guidance we have provided above.  Chapter 4, entitled “Everyday Manners”, of Emily Post’s Etiquette provides concrete suggestions for how people should relate in day to day life, at the table, in restaurants, with friends and neighbors, when visiting, when talking on the telephone, when at the theater or the opera or concert, and in sports and games.  And she provides some very useful tips in the art of talking to each other, and she calls it “The Good Conversationalist”, which is Chapter 5.  

 

Conclusion

            All of this, to be effective, assumes three things: first, that we all know and accept the true doctrine.  Second, we all must know the basic rules, policies, and techniques for interrelating with others. And, finally, we must have trust.  These factors are interrelated, and are necessary for us to treat others who call themselves Catholics, as Catholics.  Trust comes from everyone knowing the rules, and everyone believing the same thing.  It comes from the understanding that we are all in this together, and it comes from the definite comprehension that we have common friends, goals, and common enemies.  It comes from an acceptance and love of who we are.